It’s Been a Great Week, So Why Am I So Sad?

WARNING: This post will contain emotional thoughts and reveal many crippling insecurities that I push under the surface every day with sarcasm and humor. Enjoy.

This week my brother graduated college. YAY!!!!!!! My whole family got together to attend the ceremony in South Carolina and then we all went to my Grams’ house in North Carolina to spend some rare quality time together for a couple days. I was ecstatic going into this trip. I had finished the semester with four A’s and one B in my classes, I was close to starting an AMAZING internship for the summer, and I was getting to have my whole family in one place at the same time. (Which seldom happens. Maybe once a year if that.) I couldn’t contain my excitement.

So we go to the ceremony, which is great, and then head to NC. Suddenly, I am overcome with sadness. I’m sure my family even notices that I’m not being myself lately. And here’s why.

Everything is kind of hitting me at once right now. Richard is looking for house in SC and he starts his job on Monday. Clayton could only spend one and a half days with us in NC because he and his girlfriend have work on Saturday at the hospital. My mother’s soon-to-be husband is visiting the NC house for the first time, somewhat solidifying his position in the family. All my family talks about with me is my upcoming graduation next year and if my internship this summer could turn into a job after I finish school. I’m incredibly overwhelmed with reality right now and there’s no way to escape it. I constantly feel like I’m about to burst into tears because I don’t know if I can handle the bleakness and inevitability of it all. Just writing this is bringing stress-tears to my eyes.

But there’s one other thing that’s having an even worse effect on me this week.

I am completely surrounded by couples. Richard and Clayton brought their girlfriends up to NC, along with my mother’s boyfriend. We went to lunch today and at the table I looked around and everyone was having conversations with their significant other while I sat in silence and stared at my phone. Constantly refreshing it to reveal absolutely no notifications from anyone. It was enough to break me. There were a bunch of other situations like this during the week, but this is the one that really did me in. My forever-single status is something that I often either joke about or tiptoe around. It is truly my biggest insecurity and one that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Of course I enjoy seeing all of my loved ones happy with another person, but it always brings the thought “Will that ever be me?” racing to the surface of my mind.

I haven’t ever had a boyfriend, or even a first kiss, and I am almost 21 years old. It’s embarrassing. One can’t help but question. What’s wrong with me? Why does no one like me? It’s not as if I haven’t found anyone I liked enough, the feelings are just either never acted upon or never reciprocated. It’s a hard thing to deal with and it’s something that never leaves the forefront of my mind. Even now, there’s a guy I like and I’m almost positive he doesn’t like me in that way at all. I try so hard and I’m rejected. I play it cool and I’m overlooked. The only other option is to give up altogether, but there’d really be no difference in outcome compared to my love life right now. Yes I am an independent, strong woman, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely. (quite often actually) I’m also an introvert which means I enjoy spending time alone, but that quiet time with my own thoughts makes me overanalyze and question absolutely everything. In turn, making every situation somehow worse in my mind.

There’s no solution or happy ending to this post. To be completely honest, I’m tired of being alone. This is a topic I plan to write a lot about later on, but I just needed to put that in here. I have a list of summer reading for single women that will hopefully make me feel better. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll feel fine. But right now I don’t and I don’t know how to deal with it. These are the times when I rely on God to give me peace of mind and hope. Let’s hope it works. xoxo

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“What Do You Wanna Be When You Grow Up?”

*WARNING: I go a little off topic at times in this. I’m sorry, I’m easily distracted so it’s more of a stream of consciousness than it is a blog entry. Whoops.

A question that I think we’ve all been asked at least a thousand times throughout our lives. And yet, it’s probably the one question that scares us the most. Very relatable since it definitely scares the crap out of me. But why? And how did I come to the conclusion that this is the dumbest, and somehow most overused, question of all time?

Some get scared of this question because they don’t know the answer – which is valid. I’ve never known the answer. My tactic was to always just pick something that I kind of have experience in, stick to that answer for the rest of my young-enough-to-have-dreams years, and say it with confidence when asked so that maybe they’ll think I have a plan and leave me alone so I can go cry about it later. Very adult, I know.

Some people get scared because what they want isn’t what those around them want. It’d be the equivalent of me telling my mom that I voted for Bernie Sanders. (Which I didn’t for the record. Just proving a point here.) I know my mom always wanted me to be in front of the camera because she thought I was a ‘natural’. Maybe that was true when I was young little thing before the days of high definition, acne, and crippling insecurity. It was never really my dream to be a news reporter or anchor, but I said it was when anyone asked because it was the only thing I could think of. I never knew of or considered any other careers because that was the only thing that was ever discussed for my future. It wasn’t until high school, in my TV Production class, that I considered picking something a little different.

Others get scared because they dream big and they have no idea how they’ll get to the end of this unreachable rainbow where their dream lives. The world tends to create this little box that it wants everyone to fit in and those with dreams too big get kicked out, unaccepted. “Wow, that’s a big plan you’ve got there,” easily translates to, “Lol good luck with that kiddo. I’ll see you working at your parents’ workplace in a few years.” When everyone around you says that you can’t do something, you start to believe it yourself. The condescending tone and lack of encouragement does wonders for my self confidence! *sarcasm* What if I what I want to do doesn’t exist yet? What if my answer won’t satisfy your question? What if what I want is so out-of-reach that I don’t even know that’s what I want yet? What if I don’t have an answer for you? But also, what if I not only achieve what I want, but surpass even my own goals? What if I prove you wrong?

Which brings me to the last one: Some people get scared because they have no goddamn clue. You can easily identify these people because they’re the ones who crack a joke, they switch the subject, or their nervous laughter is triggered when this question is asked. I know this because I am one of those people. My idea of what I want to be changes every day essentially. Then there’s usually the follow-up question: “Well what are you good at?” To which you will receive the same response. *nervous laughter, insert joke here, more nervous laughter because you’re not fooling anyone Vic* But here’s why I couldn’t care less.

I don’t ever want to grow up. That may sound juvenile and naive, but let me explain. Getting older is inevitable and (like my mother always says) a privilege, but there’s a big difference between getting older and growing up. People always speak of ‘growing up’ with the implication that a young dreamer must finally become realistic and serious. Those are simply two things that I never want to become. I don’t think anyone ever achieved what they wanted, created something new, or changed anything worth changing by being realistic or serious. Sure, I’ll get older because that’s inescapable and I accept that. However, I refuse to tolerate the idea that giving up on my dreams, taking myself seriously, reaching for things that are easily in reach, and following some predictable template for my life is just as inevitable as getting older. I don’t ever want to ‘grow up’. I don’t ever want to stop reaching for something different, setting new goals, making spontaneous decisions, laughing if I fail, and moving onto the next thing. Life isn’t worth living is you live it stagnant.

Never stop growing – in age, mind, soul, and accomplishments. But never outgrow your youthful outlook on life. Kids think the darnedest things, and that’s exactly what will make you stand out and top those boring adults in their stupid real world.