WARNING: This post will contain emotional thoughts and reveal many crippling insecurities that I push under the surface every day with sarcasm and humor. Enjoy.
This week my brother graduated college. YAY!!!!!!! My whole family got together to attend the ceremony in South Carolina and then we all went to my Grams’ house in North Carolina to spend some rare quality time together for a couple days. I was ecstatic going into this trip. I had finished the semester with four A’s and one B in my classes, I was close to starting an AMAZING internship for the summer, and I was getting to have my whole family in one place at the same time. (Which seldom happens. Maybe once a year if that.) I couldn’t contain my excitement.
So we go to the ceremony, which is great, and then head to NC. Suddenly, I am overcome with sadness. I’m sure my family even notices that I’m not being myself lately. And here’s why.
Everything is kind of hitting me at once right now. Richard is looking for house in SC and he starts his job on Monday. Clayton could only spend one and a half days with us in NC because he and his girlfriend have work on Saturday at the hospital. My mother’s soon-to-be husband is visiting the NC house for the first time, somewhat solidifying his position in the family. All my family talks about with me is my upcoming graduation next year and if my internship this summer could turn into a job after I finish school. I’m incredibly overwhelmed with reality right now and there’s no way to escape it. I constantly feel like I’m about to burst into tears because I don’t know if I can handle the bleakness and inevitability of it all. Just writing this is bringing stress-tears to my eyes.
But there’s one other thing that’s having an even worse effect on me this week.
I am completely surrounded by couples. Richard and Clayton brought their girlfriends up to NC, along with my mother’s boyfriend. We went to lunch today and at the table I looked around and everyone was having conversations with their significant other while I sat in silence and stared at my phone. Constantly refreshing it to reveal absolutely no notifications from anyone. It was enough to break me. There were a bunch of other situations like this during the week, but this is the one that really did me in. My forever-single status is something that I often either joke about or tiptoe around. It is truly my biggest insecurity and one that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Of course I enjoy seeing all of my loved ones happy with another person, but it always brings the thought “Will that ever be me?” racing to the surface of my mind.
I haven’t ever had a boyfriend, or even a first kiss, and I am almost 21 years old. It’s embarrassing. One can’t help but question. What’s wrong with me? Why does no one like me? It’s not as if I haven’t found anyone I liked enough, the feelings are just either never acted upon or never reciprocated. It’s a hard thing to deal with and it’s something that never leaves the forefront of my mind. Even now, there’s a guy I like and I’m almost positive he doesn’t like me in that way at all. I try so hard and I’m rejected. I play it cool and I’m overlooked. The only other option is to give up altogether, but there’d really be no difference in outcome compared to my love life right now. Yes I am an independent, strong woman, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely. (quite often actually) I’m also an introvert which means I enjoy spending time alone, but that quiet time with my own thoughts makes me overanalyze and question absolutely everything. In turn, making every situation somehow worse in my mind.
There’s no solution or happy ending to this post. To be completely honest, I’m tired of being alone. This is a topic I plan to write a lot about later on, but I just needed to put that in here. I have a list of summer reading for single women that will hopefully make me feel better. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll feel fine. But right now I don’t and I don’t know how to deal with it. These are the times when I rely on God to give me peace of mind and hope. Let’s hope it works. xoxo